No easy way to say...

but I need to express what I am feeling at this very moment, because someday I will be able to look back and realize that God really doesn't do anything in life to truly hurt us, but we just don't always understand why... It is with great sadness, difficulty, anger, and some acceptance, that I say, "Tory and I suffered a miscarriage last night." I have to say "we" because he lost someone magical too, it isn't just the mother, he grieves for the baby that may have been and he also grieves for me, I see it in his eyes, and it only makes me love him that much more. We were only about 7 weeks along and we were starting to get excited and thinking when we might begin telling people, when I started spotting on Thursday, late afternoon. I didn't think a whole lot of the spotting, because it was brownish in nature and I had a little with Trent, but when it hadn't subsided by Friday afternoon, I called my doctor's office, and eventually that evening the baby passed... the only reason the doctor's couldn't confirm it was because I was having no cramps or pain whatsoever, I felt great, except for the bleeding... but felt physically great, so Tory took me into the ER on Friday night, and they did an ultrasound, and it was confirmed, our baby was gone, and watching that empty screen was one of the hardest things I'll probably ever have to do (at least I'm praying that is the case), because this isn't something I would wish on anyone... It's not something you ever think will happen to you, it's not something you can even plan for, because I understood that the first 12 weeks are the scariest, but I'm so healthy, I was doing all the right things, felt great, and had such a wonderful pregnancy with Trent, I didn't really think about it at all, but it happened, and I don't understand it, or at least my emotions don't... Logically I understand that my body and God did know something that my heart didn't, or didn't want to confirm, and it still hurts, but I am thankful in some ways that our baby isn't hurting, that he/she is safe now, because my thought is that if he/she cannot be with Tory and I, the next best thing is to be with God and Grandpa Tom and all our loved ones in heaven. I don't want anyone to think that I have reasoned through this, or I'm pushing my feelings down or aside, I'm not... I still cry today, but not as much as last night, and I know I will continue to cry in the days to come... I think the hardest will be seeing things that might make me think of where I would be in pregnancy months and November 10th (our due date) will be a day that with always be etched in my mind, but I also want to remember that I am blessed, I have loving and wonderful husband, two beautiful children, wonderful parents, and brothers and sisters and family and friends... I'm not alone, and I know when the time is right, Tory and I will be blessed to give this world another gorgeous, healthy child, but the realization right now is that I never thought this would happen to me... and it hurts... and no wishing in the world is going to change that right now, but there will be laughter and love, those have already started to push through the darkness... and I'm happy about that... I'm not sure when yet, but Tory and I will try again, together we will become stronger together because of our loss, and the love I saw last night, well, there is no stopping that... so in the end, this blog entry is more for myself and for what the future holds, but for today, this is definitely for me, my husband, and the baby we lost. We loved you very much for the last couple of weeks, and were very excited for you, and now we are very sad to lose you so soon, but we know you are safe and that helps... we miss you, and always will, but you will always hold a little place in our hearts. There is no end to love.